I’ve spent a long time looking for the silver lining in everything that... all of this has been for me. What it was, what it has been lately, and what I want it to be in the future. But I think I’ve found answers—at least, as many as I possibly could.
Regarding the past, this work served as a refuge, but it was also very dangerous for me. On one hand, it kept me busy; it made time move forward when I was at my worst. But on the other hand, it was a way to punish myself for things I simply didn't know how to do better as a child.
The problem arises when you have to relive a mass of such ugly things that you thought you had already left behind (and some of them, possibly were already left behind). A clash occurs between the person you were, the person you are now, and the person you want to be. I won’t lie—I’ve hurt myself deeply working on this. I’ve treated myself very poorly for a project no one forced me to do; I’ve deprived myself of a better quality of life and emotional well-being, and I’ve felt frustrated upon finishing it and not seeing a gratifying result. I ended up desensitized and careless with myself. I didn't take enough care of myself.
But after much reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that this work is not my enemy; rather, it has always brought to light everything that was hurting me. It also magnified the emotional impact of those wounds, but certainly, working on this little by little—facing my wounds through the work—has given me direction. Sooner or later, many of these things would have exploded in my face anyway. Perhaps I should have taken it slower, even though I tried to make it as bearable as possible. Constantly.
This work can have its purpose, but you shouldn't spend too much time in it. Use it wisely, or only as long as it brings you well-being.
That being said, here is my final message, for you:
If there is one thing to take away from all this, it’s that self-punishment is useless. You allow the narrative that you are beyond repair and harmful to others to become true. You hurt yourself and fail to take action to avoid hurting others further. Deep down, what you want is to know that you "can be fixed" and that you can make others happy. And if not, perhaps it’s time to start approaching it that way.
I wish I had punished myself less; I didn’t need any of that to get where I am. You can learn without beating yourself up—your future self will thank you for it. If you are willing to work to improve, forgive yourself.
Guilt is contextual; it is a useful tool to see what is right or wrong, to see what needs improvement. You can always bathe in it infinitely, but you will never find well-being there.
The more good you do for others—including yourself, the less weight your mistakes will carry.
Understand yourself, understand what led you to those mistakes, and rewrite the pattern. You do have control over your story, and you must start taking it.